With Valentine’s Day coming up this month on Friday the 14th, it seems natural to write about romance. If we are so romantic, why do we have such a high divorce rate? “Is it really that high?” you might ask. Well, it is high. Many writers list it as high as fifty percent; while some sociologists who study the issue say that it is not quite that high, but it is high. A writer in an issue of Newsweek magazine says that the U.S. has the highest divorce rate in the world. There is no simple one single answer to why that is the case. It is a very complex problem. While it is important to focus on the cause of this social problem in America, it is also important to focus on the “glue” that holds two people together who do not divorce. Both issues are important.
One of the reasons that we have the highest rate in the world is that we have the highest marriage rate in the world. Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist at Johns Hopkins, in his book The Marriage Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today, says “We divorce, re-partner, and remarry faster than people in any other country.” One of the sad things that concerns a large number of church leaders in the U.S. is the divorce rate among Christians. It is higher than the rest of the general population. Most are at a loss to explain that.
One significant cause of the divorce problem is the way that we, in America, idealize our prospective marriage partners. This is caused primarily by our unyielding focus on “romanticizing” our choice of mates. For years, while teaching my Marriage and Family course at East Central University, I pointed to the very large body of research that supports the premise that the romantic images portrayed in movies, TV, books, and magazines tend to cause us to expect way too much of our fiancé /fiancée. We idealize what we want in them, and indeed imagine that they have those things. There is no way they can live up to our idealized image. This is the classic romantic trap. When we realize this, it isn’t hard to understand why the highest divorce rate comes in the first three years of marriage with the couple each saying, “this is certainly not the person I married.” While the truth is more likely to be: “This is not the person I idealized.” Does this mean that we can’t be romantic at all? Absolutely not! I coined a phrase years ago and repeatedly reminded my students: “It is OK to do the romantic trappings and not get caught in the romantic trap.” It is okay to have candle light dinners with romantic music in romantic settings. Those are the trappings not the trap.
The country that has the reputation for being the most “romantic” country in the world, France, has a much lower divorce rate than ours. How come? They know how to enjoy the trappings of romance without getting trapped in the romance of idealizing. So, is there a lesson for us? Yes. When people “fall in love” they immediately start idealizing each other. This is normal. Then, to avoid the trap, they must test the relationship. They must learn about each other, really learn about them, without blinders on. Years ago, I had a client who was repeatedly physically abused by her husband. Her statement, “I should have known not to stay engaged to him the first time he hit me. But he said he was sorry, and I thought it was a one-time thing. Then he did it again. I kept thinking that this isn’t really the true “him.” He really loves and respects me and he will not be this way when we marry.” He was. This is an example of not testing the relationship. This woman had fallen into the romantic trap!
A marriage is a covenant between two people. It can be a lasting relationship that fosters the nurturing and protection of each other. It can be a reliable shelter when the world and the people in it turn on you, ignore you, or are non-caring toward you. And it can also be the weapon to inflict pain and suffering on the people that you supposedly love including your spouse, others, and most of all on children. So how do we make this covenant work? I think that it comes from understanding how God puts us together.
Before Connie died, she and I celebrated our sixtieth wedding anniversary. Did we have one of those storybook marriages? No, far from it. We had problems and disagreements and trials like everyone else. So how do marriages last? Is it that some people are lucky enough not to have any troubles and always handle every problem quickly and positively? No! I think the real glue that holds people together through all kinds of problems, fights, disagreements, disappointments, and tragedies is simply love. Whoa! Isn’t that a little too simplistic? No. I do believe however that people have to commit to making the marriage covenant work and they have to keep on loving even when their partner isn’t acting in a very loving way. I believe God hard wired us to be married and Jesus said as much when he said: “But from the beginning of the creation, God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘for this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’ so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together let not man separate.” (Mark 10:6-9, NKJ)
When we learn to love the same way that Jesus loved, we can keep our marriage covenant. His love cost him his life. No matter what forces push against us from the outside, and what forces push us away from each other from the inside of marriage, love is the glue that holds us together. When bad stuff happens, marriage can truly be a safe haven in a storm.
“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” (I Corinthians 13:4-8 NKJV)
There can be no better place to practice this love than in your marriage! (Dr. Ray Quiett)