By Dr. Ray Quiett
For years I have included in many of my counseling workshops information that I believe to be fundamental to our understanding of human behavior. Simply stated it is:
I AM TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN BEHAVIOR AND YOU ARE FOR YOURS.
Most people accept this premise intellectually. It becomes more difficult when you get right down to the nuts and bolts of actual behavior. “I believe it, but….” people will often say. For most of us, although we believe the statement we frequently act in direct opposition to it. So, is this basic premise true? It is!
There are four elements of behavior that are included in the above statement. We will look at each of the four.
I. I AM TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT I DO.
Do you believe anyone can make your do anything you don’t choose to do? It is not possible for them to make you do it if you choose not to do it. Someone could point of a gun at you and say “get on the floor.” Do you have a choice in this? Of course you do. They could shoot you, or knock you down, but they could not make you do it if you did not choose to. Note: the smart choice would be to get on the floor. You can see how ridiculous it is to blame others when you listen to the words of a serial batterer. He will blame the victim. As a man beats his wife senseless, he says to her, “Why are you making me do this to you?”
II. I AM TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT I BELIEVE
We chose many of our beliefs when we were very young. We chose with very little information. We choose our beliefs and bury them deep inside and don’t change them quickly or easily. When we are young we have to choose our beliefs from the people we are around: parents, relatives and others. Do you believe everything your mom believed? Your dad? Of course not. You picked and chose which of their beliefs you made our own.
III. I AM TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT I THINK.
We choose what we think. Do others influence our thinking? That’s an absolute yes! They invite us to think the way they do; however, it is still our choice if we choose to think what they invite us to think. My own thinking has been greatly influenced by other people. This is true of most of us. However, I am still doing the thinking that I choose, just as you are.
IV. I AM TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT I FEEL.
This is the one area of human behavior that we are likely to find the most difficult to adopt. It is true that we are the only ones who can choose what we feel. Deep down inside, however, we really believe other people make us feel certain ways by what they say. I have often thought someone made me angry, or sad, or scared. It is common for us to say things like, “You hurt my feelings.” Or, “you make me mad.” People do invite us to feel good or bad by what they say. Most certainly, it is only an invitation. It is natural for me to accept the invitation. If someone tells me I am dumb and stupid, I can decide to accept the invitation and feel hurt, angry, sad or I can examine it and believe it is not true. So I can feel bad, or choose not to have any particular emotion at all. I can even feel good about it. Though this is not the likely feeling I will choose, it is possible. This may be a person whose character is so dark that I feel anything he says bad about me is more likely a compliment coming from him. It takes a lot of work to own our own feelings. It is extraordinarily rewarding when we do. We get our personal power back.
There are many examples in the Bible of people who do not take responsibility for these four areas of behavior. One example is found in Exodus: when Moses came down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments, and found the people worshiping a golden calf, his brother Aaron blamed the people for “making” him build the idol. Another example of “blaming it on everyone else” is found in Matthew 27. Pilate felt he could not handle the angry crowd so he washed his hands of the matter and blamed Jesus’ execution on the crowd. Another example is found in Genesis: when faced with having disobeyed God, Adam blamed Eve and Eve blamed the serpent.
So what is our responsibility as Christians? IT IS CLEAR! We are totally, and personally, responsible for all of our choices and decisions. Our relationship to Christ, by choosing to commit ourselves to Him, is a personal choice. No one can make that choice for us. “I have decided to follow Jesus” is a phrase from a hymn that emphasizes the personal choice we made. Not only can no one else make the choice for us, but also we cannot make the choice for anyone else. At the judgment day, when we stand in front of the Living God to account for our choices, our actions, and our behaviors, we cannot hide behind the excuse: “the Devil made me do it.” So how does that impact my life right now? I must be constantly vigilant by being aware that I, I ALONE, am responsible for each and every choice that I make.
One of the easiest ways to do this is to join a Sunday School class. The class may be studying a specific topic or a specific book of the Bible or even a biography of a Biblical character. Another way is to join a Bible study group. It may be a men’s class or a women’s class or just a group of people who get together for the sole purpose to learn more from this wonderful book, the Bible.
I am totally responsible for all of it. With that knowledge, my job as a steward of God becomes gravely serious. Everything I do, every thought I have, every belief that I hold, every feeling I experience, every moment of my life is MY RESPONSIBILITY. That is dead serious stuff.